Saturday Michael will be twenty-seven. I can't quite figure out what the big deal about twenty-seven is to me, but it seems like a monumental age. Like the age of a grown-up. He'll have had twenty-seven birthdays...almost an entire month's worth. And this will be the ninth we've spent together. Sometimes, as birthdays approach, I get a little mournful of the fact that I’m not really a person of grand gesture. I’ll probably never have the money, time, or general wherewithal to surprise him with a new boat or vacation…or anyone else I love dearly for that matter. I do think birthdays are an important reason to celebrate someone in an extra special way, but somewhere during these past nine years, our birthdays have become just another day nestled almost unrecognizably into the same-old, same-old of our every day.
But when I really think about the way we’ve built our lives around these same-old, same-old days, I find that what we do have really is something grand and spectacular and worthy. Something so much more than the greatest gift I could ever think up to give anyone. In the past nine years, we’ve built something so special, so perfectly made out of us, that even our bad days seem very, very good. We’ve built a life that doesn’t place too much stock in looking forward to the special occasions, big events, vacations, and weekends of life, instead putting our focus into being aware and present and gracious about today. Last night, our family gathered for dinner…taco soup and slice and bake cookies, nothing fancy…and we enjoyed one another, played with the baby, watched TV together, and shared stories about our days. It was not much different than what we will probably do again a couple of times next week. But it felt so nice and whole and perfect to be celebrating Michael in that way…in that same way we go about our normal lives, making sure that every day that we can do it, birthday or not, we make the most of one another.
In the coming days, there will be razorback games, and more birthdays, and fishing tournaments, and girl’s days, and comforting fall dinners, and somewhere in there, a new little person will join our lives. These special things will be mixed in, of course, with bad days, arguments, stress from work, worries, and everything else that makes life hard. But, through those things, we will hold on to one another for support and dwell in the good…in the special moments that we are able to create and sustain so often. Because that’s just how we do it. It is a good life. It is a full life, and I am so thankful for it.
And I’m also thankful for my husband. I am so thankful for how we love one another. I am thankful for this life we are making together. It isn’t hard to live a happy life when we have a little person like Chase running around us all the time making things so joyful and exciting. It’s even easier when we get to anticipate the excitement and fun and overwhelming love of being able to add another person to this mix in a few short weeks. But all the words and metaphors and emotional ramblings in every language in the world will never be able to express how truly blessed I feel to share with him what is at the center of all of that…a relationship that is solid and rich and pure. And good...good in every sense of the word. I love you, Michael Gross. Thanks for sharing this life with me. Happy Birthday, you old grown-up man.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Living Consciously
There’s been a lot tumbling around in my head lately…lots of thoughts about big issues, the little things of my day-to-day, philosophical meandering on life and purpose and so on. On all accounts, the over stimulated mush in my brain wouldn’t really be able to come up with a focused blog on any of it, so here’s an early apology if I sound like a rambling crazy person…I like to blame it on a little (or not so little) something called being eight and a half months pregnant.
What I really want to talk about right now is consciousness. During these past few years, one of my greater struggles in life has been to satisfy my desire of attaching a purpose to my life and the things I do with it, big and small. I would describe the most interior part of myself that I’ve yet uncovered as an introvert…a thinker. Someone who easily gets stuck inside a thought or a feeling, chasing it round and round until I inevitably discover that I can’t make a static relationship with it. These slippery things make it easy for me to lose my focus, to get frustrated, to need a change or a new direction to run. What I want, beneath all the more important things like a healthy, happy, well cared for family, is to find a way to feel peaceful in my daily life. In coming to the understanding that this is not really in my nature, I’ve spent a lot of time asking what I need in order to help myself find a way to that place. So far, I’ve decided that the most important tool I need is a sense of purpose. A reason for being that is above the little things I do each day, but still in some way intimately connected to them all. A goal toward a specifically directed output into the universe that is a result of all the little things that make me, well, me. Adherence to this path is difficult, but I think I’ve discovered the key…at least one of them: Consciousness.
By consciousness, I mean to say having a generally focused awareness about everything I do. If, for instance, I decide that I want to be a more supportive and loving wife to my husband, I have to realize that deciding this, for all real purposes, means absolutely nothing. Even making an effort to do one or two things a day toward this purpose is really ineffectual in making a true change. The only way to make any headway on a goal like this is to make a conscious decision to be aware of it in all the little things I do each day. I will fail…a lot (in this case, just ask my husband). But, when I am constantly aware of my goal, I more readily consider the effects of my actions, words, and attitudes and whether or not they are helping or hindering what I’ve decided is my purpose. When I am aware, I quickly realize that explaining my feelings and needs are more likely to create quick understanding and cooperativeness between the two of us than my frustratingly demanding a need for help, or giving Michael an exasperated look as the baby attempts to climb on the table for the fourth time in a row.
Now that I think about it, this example may make the whole process sound a little simpler than I mean for it to. Obviously communicating effectively is going to make a marriage easier. That is not what I really want to talk about here. Rather, I mean to say that I’ve found that key to making positive changes, to living a more peaceful, satisfied existence, for me at least, is a commitment to living in a conscious way about what I decide is important to me and my purpose.
I want to live a life that can’t help but make other people’s better, a life that always focuses on love and decency above everything else, a life that is constantly learning, enthusiastic, and pushing toward ultimate betterment, a life that understands that this world is complicated and is full of good and bad and is totally and completely uncontrollable – a life that accepts this and focuses on my role as a human in the midst of such a mess, a life that is driven but content, fired up but peaceful, accepting but not complacent. Living this life, in a nutshell, is my purpose.
I have to remind myself to be aware of these goals on a daily basis in order to in any real way live this life. I have to go about my every day consciously. I have to realize when certain habits, actions, and attitudes get in the way of these goals, and I have to take responsibility for changing them. Lately, I have been trying to focus on one small thing each day. One minor adjustment in attitude or action or whatever that ultimately contributes to the greater goal. I take a few quiet moments each morning to reflect on what I feel my soul is really needing that day in order to feel peace. Today’s goal: to feel blessed.
In the midst of all I have - a beautiful, healthy child and another on the way, a strong and supportive relationship, a present, healthy, loving family, more life friends than I can count, a comfortable and happy home, a set of interests that keep me excited and motivated to keep learning and changing…I could really go on and on… In the midst of all this, I more often spend my time feeling afraid of my lack of control over these things. I feel worried instead of content. I would even say that, lately, I feel paranoid that something bad will happen if I don’t keep a constant watchful eye on everyone and everything I love all the time…as if that watchful eye could really keep any of it safe anyway. This attitude is not helping me achieve my purposes. In fact, my constant fear of something terrible only really causes me to attempt to over-protect (read over-control) my loved ones, dump my own irrational fears on everyone else, waste copious amounts of ineffectual time “spinning my wheels” (as my mother says), and feeling unhappy feelings about things that should make me happy and peaceful.
I know that I won’t change this behavior overnight, but with vigilance toward being aware and conscious about how it is truly affecting me and my loved ones, I can make small changes. I am accountable for this, and if I want to feel better and keep my fear from running (and ruining) my life, then I HAVE TO change it. Today, I am taking one small step toward a life change. I am feeling blessed instead of afraid. I want the universe to know that I am thankful, not that I demand that it doesn’t take something precious away from me. Today, I am going to radiate thankfulness…I am going to own that I am so blessed that I can’t stand it…so blessed that it isn’t even fair. Today I am going to invest every last drop of myself in loving who and what I have and enjoying everything. That seems like a VERY purposeful way to spend my day.
What I really want to talk about right now is consciousness. During these past few years, one of my greater struggles in life has been to satisfy my desire of attaching a purpose to my life and the things I do with it, big and small. I would describe the most interior part of myself that I’ve yet uncovered as an introvert…a thinker. Someone who easily gets stuck inside a thought or a feeling, chasing it round and round until I inevitably discover that I can’t make a static relationship with it. These slippery things make it easy for me to lose my focus, to get frustrated, to need a change or a new direction to run. What I want, beneath all the more important things like a healthy, happy, well cared for family, is to find a way to feel peaceful in my daily life. In coming to the understanding that this is not really in my nature, I’ve spent a lot of time asking what I need in order to help myself find a way to that place. So far, I’ve decided that the most important tool I need is a sense of purpose. A reason for being that is above the little things I do each day, but still in some way intimately connected to them all. A goal toward a specifically directed output into the universe that is a result of all the little things that make me, well, me. Adherence to this path is difficult, but I think I’ve discovered the key…at least one of them: Consciousness.
By consciousness, I mean to say having a generally focused awareness about everything I do. If, for instance, I decide that I want to be a more supportive and loving wife to my husband, I have to realize that deciding this, for all real purposes, means absolutely nothing. Even making an effort to do one or two things a day toward this purpose is really ineffectual in making a true change. The only way to make any headway on a goal like this is to make a conscious decision to be aware of it in all the little things I do each day. I will fail…a lot (in this case, just ask my husband). But, when I am constantly aware of my goal, I more readily consider the effects of my actions, words, and attitudes and whether or not they are helping or hindering what I’ve decided is my purpose. When I am aware, I quickly realize that explaining my feelings and needs are more likely to create quick understanding and cooperativeness between the two of us than my frustratingly demanding a need for help, or giving Michael an exasperated look as the baby attempts to climb on the table for the fourth time in a row.
Now that I think about it, this example may make the whole process sound a little simpler than I mean for it to. Obviously communicating effectively is going to make a marriage easier. That is not what I really want to talk about here. Rather, I mean to say that I’ve found that key to making positive changes, to living a more peaceful, satisfied existence, for me at least, is a commitment to living in a conscious way about what I decide is important to me and my purpose.
I want to live a life that can’t help but make other people’s better, a life that always focuses on love and decency above everything else, a life that is constantly learning, enthusiastic, and pushing toward ultimate betterment, a life that understands that this world is complicated and is full of good and bad and is totally and completely uncontrollable – a life that accepts this and focuses on my role as a human in the midst of such a mess, a life that is driven but content, fired up but peaceful, accepting but not complacent. Living this life, in a nutshell, is my purpose.
I have to remind myself to be aware of these goals on a daily basis in order to in any real way live this life. I have to go about my every day consciously. I have to realize when certain habits, actions, and attitudes get in the way of these goals, and I have to take responsibility for changing them. Lately, I have been trying to focus on one small thing each day. One minor adjustment in attitude or action or whatever that ultimately contributes to the greater goal. I take a few quiet moments each morning to reflect on what I feel my soul is really needing that day in order to feel peace. Today’s goal: to feel blessed.
In the midst of all I have - a beautiful, healthy child and another on the way, a strong and supportive relationship, a present, healthy, loving family, more life friends than I can count, a comfortable and happy home, a set of interests that keep me excited and motivated to keep learning and changing…I could really go on and on… In the midst of all this, I more often spend my time feeling afraid of my lack of control over these things. I feel worried instead of content. I would even say that, lately, I feel paranoid that something bad will happen if I don’t keep a constant watchful eye on everyone and everything I love all the time…as if that watchful eye could really keep any of it safe anyway. This attitude is not helping me achieve my purposes. In fact, my constant fear of something terrible only really causes me to attempt to over-protect (read over-control) my loved ones, dump my own irrational fears on everyone else, waste copious amounts of ineffectual time “spinning my wheels” (as my mother says), and feeling unhappy feelings about things that should make me happy and peaceful.
I know that I won’t change this behavior overnight, but with vigilance toward being aware and conscious about how it is truly affecting me and my loved ones, I can make small changes. I am accountable for this, and if I want to feel better and keep my fear from running (and ruining) my life, then I HAVE TO change it. Today, I am taking one small step toward a life change. I am feeling blessed instead of afraid. I want the universe to know that I am thankful, not that I demand that it doesn’t take something precious away from me. Today, I am going to radiate thankfulness…I am going to own that I am so blessed that I can’t stand it…so blessed that it isn’t even fair. Today I am going to invest every last drop of myself in loving who and what I have and enjoying everything. That seems like a VERY purposeful way to spend my day.
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